X-Posted from Babalon,. for the chance of a more relaxed discussion in case the assholes there (not saying that there are a lot there, but they have
their fair share, there are quite a few legitimate individuals there, but the assholes are obnoxious) decide to jump on it and ruin any chance of any
intelligent reply. So, yes, this is what's been wrong with me.
I didn't want to post this in another thread, so, sorry if there is already a thread made on the basic subject. Personal experience is easier to organized based on the select individual whom the particular experience belongs. Writing helps, sorry to anyone who is annoyed by my writing style, just scroll down, I summarize the situation at the end, last three paragraphs of this post. by the way, the opening sentance, is meant in the most sarcastic way possible, as I did feel as though this was a, "Dream come true", to have her back. Fairytale? Ha. Ha. Ha.
Once upon a time, I had a girl. She was quite a beautiful girl, the kind that you wrap your arm around and walk with them in a publicized place. I
belonged to her, and for quite some time, I thought that she belonged to me. She wanted me to believe that she belonged to me. She wanted me to remain as a
sanctuary for her, my arms always open and protecting, forgiving, no matter what.
One day, she confessed to me, in terms, her first strike against her. I pushed it away from my mind, and focused on comforting her, convincing her that
it wasn't her fault. For she had committed adultery against me, and warned me against further occurrences. I told her that I knew it wouldn't happen
again, a painful throb to begin an erratic infarction. Months past, she continued coming, eager for her happy sanctuary, little did I know, that she was
lying through her pretty little mouth.
She had lied to me several times before, broken promises, promises she had no intention of keeping. I embraced the naivety of my first, and forgave her,
deducing that it was not outright lying. This changed, however, fairly quickly. If I allowed her to get away with something that was as good as a lie, she
would soon begin to sharpen knives.
Still, I embraced her, oblivious to the betraying face hidden underneath the lying smile and false 'love' that she projected to me. I still
protected her, gave her advice, and helped her as much as I could against her demons. I sacrificed everything to the girl, ignored my own needs, placed
everything and everyone on the back burner for her. I grew tired of that, as everything began to pile up, and presented her with an expected need, which she
threw aside for her own. I watched as she, once again, destroyed everything to my person because I had shown her a part of my, rare, 'humanity'.
Trials were useless. Refusing to ignore this, she abandoned me for it. But not before, apathetically telling me in passing, what she had done to me.
There was a time, before this, where I wanted her back, I longed for her every day. I wanted my heart, my life, my girl returned to me, and she was, but
not without consequence. Forced to see what I had borne in her, forced to see what I had made her into. What monsters follow in my wake if I allow anyone to
get close to me. She used to be such a beautiful person, and she still would be, if it wasn't for me. I made her into what she is now, into a object of
my hatred, where the fine line between love and hatred has become quite bleared, not even distinguishable anymore. I've never forgiven myself for doing
this.
She has now projected a new subject, a subject of happiness, a subject of relief, a subject that shouldn't exist for someone like her. Someone who
stays with someone who has a beauty to offer them, to drain that beauty for themselves with a coverable word, such as 'love'. When a mutual offer is
requested, to know exactly what will kill them inside, to murder them with complete apathy, before abandoning them. Going on to the next person with
something to offer. Slithering through the mud and filth without any punishment at all. All the while, being lower than the dirt and filth which they slither
through.
I desire for her to pay for what she's done, I desire for her to feel as I feel. For her to be hurt to the point where there's not much left to
kill there, to be driven to the point of desperation, to have your heart ripped out with nothing but a blank stare to greet you but the one you love most. To
be lied to, to be used, to be nothing but an open wound for the leech. If she was given the chance, she would not apologize, because she feels no remorse,
she has moved on to another open wound. While the lilies I gave her long ago, now shriveled and black, are dripping with my blood that dripped our of her
gluttonous mouth. Pretty, but deadly.
I sincerely hope no one here has had to go through the hurt of being betrayed by the one that we love, but, with the way that the world is now, I
don't doubt it. As an easier understanding of what happened, I'll sum it up: I loved a girl, that I had long ago, that returned to me; after our
reunion, immediately, she had cheated on me with a boy whom blatantly did manipulate her. However, she had a choice not to cheat on me, and she definitely
had a choice whether or not to tell me. She chose not to, until I wanted a reprieve from my station of needless provider. All she had cared about was a
paper she had to write, which I have not done plenty of times to focus on her. She couldn't feed my needs for a night, to do the same kindness I had
shown her for such a long time (all in all, about fourteen months). To come to terms with Reality, is cause for Madness. That I spent so long feeding
something as wretched as this, something that was only taking away from me and feeding something that never deserved me to even shed one tear for, let alone
the pain it caused.
Reflecting upon this leads to what she Really Deserves, and back to what I am capable of doing. I've never been very good at revenge when it comes to
her, but, nonetheless, she deserves to suffer. As does anyone who would do this to the person that they told, "I love you", with it begin nothing
but a lie. A con to extract what they wanted.
If anyone has any thoughts, please share them, as for any experiences anyone else would like to share. Silence and privacy aren't worth continuing to
feel like a used, worthless plaything; if anyone is wondering.
